Oh my, it’s been a minute. I can’t believe how long it’s been since I posted anything.
You know, when I first started this blog I was so fired up to get going and had so many talking points already planned. My notes section of my phone is full of post ideas and half written, sporadic pieces and then…
BAM. Stop the presses. It all just came to a screeching halt.
I know I had made a previous post (read here) about the effects of COVID-19 on mental health and the struggles I was having. I could feel the shift happening then. I was hearing the buzz on social media of other people going through similar struggles. Even ones without the already present anxiety and depression tendencies. So I chalked it up to 2020 as a whole. No one was immune to its torture.
Physically, I haven’t been feeling well for about a year. I called the primary care physician looking for answers and found nothing. I switched doctors and they ran test after test and scans and again, nothing. My urologist tried, nothing. Gynecologist, the big goose egg. But I knew something wasn’t right. I could feel it.
The one resounding answer I got…depressed. Yep, the standard.
If you’ve ever been diagnosed with depression then you’ll feel me on this one. For anyone who’s fought that battle, the depression card gets thrown on the table anytime you talk about symptoms that resemble. The struggle with depression and anxiety goes back to my early teens. I have developed enough self awareness to know alllllll the different stages my mind sinks into. Even when I can’t bring myself out of that sinking pit, I know my signs.
And I knew this was not just a bout of depression. This was more than just the insane year of 2020. I just felt off. I felt….bad.
The mind numbingly high anxiety, low libido, rapid weight gain, drastic mood shift, memory issues, brain fog, short fuse, utter exhaustion. When I say exhausted I mean the very thought of carrying on a conversation exhausted me before the conversation even happened.
I think the one of the hardest issues to deal with was my lack of well being. I had no desire to do anything I used to enjoy. Even sitting to read a book was too much. Writing a blog post from my couch sounded like too much. You guys get it, I had zero motivation or feeling of self worth.
I have never felt so close to the snap than I have in the last couple months. But that ate at me. I mean, I’ve lived in far unhealthier situations. I’ve had far more reasons to feel useless and exhausted than I have recently. From the outside looking in I knew all should be well. I’m getting the life I asked for and things were falling into place in every aspect yet I felt so disconnected from it all.
To be honest I don’t even know that I can explain the way I felt to its full capacity. Anytime I tried to explain it I couldn’t.
Then, during my last visit with my doctor in August, she suggested I have my hormones checked. Something I’d never done. Low and behold I had my answer in two days. A hormonal imbalance. Mostly an extremely low testosterone level. This new doctor was sitting in front of me describing the symptoms and it was like she was telling me everything I’d been trying to explain to my loved ones, but could never find the words for. The only thing I could say was that it felt like I was turning into someone else. My entire personality felt like someone I didn’t know anymore.
For someone who needs control ( you know the list maker personality of mine) this was hard to swallow. I rely on consistency, routine, plans and control. When I couldn’t even control myself it sent me into a tailspin.
But here was my answer. AND she was offering me a solution. Finally. I felt like I was getting somewhere.
We are going on two weeks of hormone therapy and I’m already feeling better. I feel more regulated and in control. I’m definitely not 100%, but it’s so much better than where I was.
I’m doing lots of research now. I knew hormones could have an affect, but not like this. I had no idea. And if I had no idea then I know others don’t either. It’s worth the time to research if you’re feeling out of sorts.
Next up, the weight. It’s really taking it’s toll on my self esteem and health and I’m ready to shed some of it. I did find out the hormone level for fat storage is extremely high and I am working with the doctors on fixing that as well. That progress is not nearly as quick, but hopefully it’s a journey that leads to a permanent change in eating habits and not the yo-yo dieting we’ve talked about before. (Read here) It’s a journey I’ve decided I’m taking with you guys. I’d love to have an open discussion with everyone on this journey with me!