Weight Struggles and Self Image

What a struggle this has been. I don’t even know that I can sum up what this journey has been like. The cliche yo-yo seems accurate. 

I never really had a positive body image. Even in high school I struggled with anorexic behaviors. I weighed a whopping 94 pounds when I was pregnant with my son. And still wasn’t satisfied with how I looked. Everyone always seemed “prettier” than I was, “better” than I was. I felt like I never stacked up.

After having my son I bounced to 115 and stayed there for a while. I think I seemed confident on the outside, but in reality I was a scared kid who was trying to figure out how to raise a kid. I tend to be an emotional eater and at 19 found bulimia. Binge eating followed by the inevitable crash and self deprecation so then the purge. It was scary and unhealthy even though I didn’t fully see how devastating it was to my system. 

At 21 I entered an abusive relationship that lasted until I was 30 years old. It was a roller coaster and any weight loss or gain was solely associated with the emotional turmoil involved in surviving that relationship intact. In the midst of that I had my daughter. I never quite got back down to that prepregnancy weight. I felt bad about myself, I was reminded I should feel bad about myself. I ate because I was unhappy and then unhappy because I ate. It was a cycle.

I was so broken emotionally that I believed what was said. “You’re fat and disgusting”. I would lose a little weight and it was “You must be sleeping around if you’re trying to lose weight for someone”. I couldn’t win and it destroyed any self esteem I had (which was little at the time)

I left that relationship 5 and a half years ago. I struggled with PTSD and just learning to function again. My weight was just one of the many factors of my poor self image. I remember hating how round my face looked, the stretch marks, the “mom pouch”, the stress wrinkle on my forehead, my hair falling out. How many things can we name? How many people are familiar with that feeling? I always felt exhausted and worn down and it showed.

Since then I’ve made a few attempts at gaining control of my health. Some years are better than others. Again, emotional eater here 🙄

I tried calorie counting, keto, gluten free, clean eating, back to keto, slim fast, weight watchers, macro counting, apps, shakes, pills. Went from no exercise to some exercise to excessively exercising and everything in between. 

This. Is. All. Mental. Do I want to get healthy, yes. Should I beat myself up about my weight, no. It should be about feeling good inside and out. Not about worrying about how others perceive me. I’m happy. I don’t want to deprive myself from enjoying life. I found peace and joy and I want that to extend to my weight journey as well.

That’s the part I am gonna start working on. Developing a healthy relationship with food and moving my body. Finding things I like and enjoy and getting healthy in a well rounded way.